"There
is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't
fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is
teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2
meese? One index, indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but
not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one
of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I
think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the
verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet
that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites,
while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? That is why, when the stars are
out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And
why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end
it."
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